It's time!

For the last few months, my bestie, Ann Marie and I have been counting down to our vacation in New York. We've battled through sickness, crappy weather, crappier jobs, mischievous kids, emotional and financial setbacks. It's been a rough few months.

But in less than 8 hours, we'll be boarding a plane on our way to our favorite city in the world.

Together.

This? Is going to be unforgettable.

New York? Here we come!

Some changes...

The last six months I've slipped from my usually smiley (yet snarky) self into a hollow shell of what I was. I've become bitchy, judgmental and quick to bite heads off. I'm sick of it myself, so I can only imagine how tired of it you all are.

I'm sorry.

All that changes right now. I'm going to fight to bring old Melly back - the witty, sarcastic, fun-loving, laughs-all-the-time one. I'll need your help. When you see me slipping, Gibbs slap me, k?

Now...that being said, I feel it's only fair that I warn you over the course of the next week, I'm going to become over the top giddy with energy and excitement. I've never spent an entire week in my favorite city with my bestie, so I could get a little crazy. Bear with me. Mute me if I get to be too much, but come back when my squeeing is over, k? I will miss you.

(**Disclaimer: I will still call Jon a Fartass and Cudlitz a Fucker. I'll still second guess AJ's recovery, teeter-totter on whether Joe's ego is over the top and tell Danny to smile in all his twitpics. I'll still scream at Pierce to stop missing 3's [I mean seriously, Paul...they're NOT that tough]. I'll still talk too damn much and still share inside jokes with @DonniesDancer that very few others understand. I'll still talk in code sometimes, too. But if you're willing to stick around, I promise I'll be 100% ME again. Deal?)

2010 in Pictures

I usually speak in words, not photographs, but sometimes words just aren't sufficient.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2010 Resolutions Revisted

 I go back and forth with resolutions and whether or not I'll make them. This is why:


This was my list from last year.

I'll address each one individually:

1. Sleep at least once a day. I know that sounds like a no-brainer for most people. With my schedule the last year, this hasn't always been the case. I mostly made this one. There were a few days when I only got an hour or two of sleep, but I did sleep, so that's an improvement from 2009.

2. Buy one dress each month and wear them as often as possible. I bought ONE new dress. Guess that means I have 11 more to buy in the next four hours, eh?

3. Subscribe to a magazine. Does it count when someone else subscribes you to a magazine? I think so. DONE!

4. Accomplish the weight loss goal I set for myself last summer. (So far, I'm on track, just slowed down a bit.) Let's not talk about it. Moving on.

5. Continue eliminating toxic people from my life. If they don't build me up, they have no business being here. I've become the toxic person and I hate it. This one? Totally needs work.

6. Send birthday cards and/or emails to all my friends and family (So if you think I don't have your birthday saved, please send me an email with your birthdate!). #EPICfail

7. Travel more with my family. Yeah, not so much.

8. Take more bubble baths. I think I took three the whole year.

9. Go camping a few times. I didn't go even once.

10. Read 50 new books. I read three. But I wrote one. That counts, right? No? Damn.

11. Redecorate my bedroom. Still same old drab deco.

12. Spend a long weekend traveling with each of my kids separately. Yeah, didn't happen. #MomFail

13. Spend a long weekend with my husband...and only my husband. This didn't happen either.

14. Spend more time taking pictures of things I enjoy rather than things I'm being paid to shoot. Not nearly enough time on the fun stuff.

15. Finish writing my book. YES!

16. Finish writing my other book. Sorry. I was too busy with #15.

17. Visit three new states I've never been to before. I visited California. One outta three ain't bad.

18. Revisit three states I've already been to.  New York, Illinois and Missouri

19. See a pro sports team play...still haven't decided who or where yet. Another no-go. BUT, I did catch a cab in front of Madison Square Garden, so I'm making progress.

20. Blog daily. BWAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAA! *deep breath* HAAAAAAAA!

So what does that mean for this year? I'll probably make another 20 resolutions that won't come true, but it is kinda fun to come up with new things to accomplish. Let's see how we do, shall we? Stay tuned for tomorrow's list of resolutions for 2011.

Yes, Melanie...there is a Santa Claus

1988 was a hard year for my mom and me. My mother was re-diagnosed with cancer in March and had surgery, chemo and radiation during most of April. My parents divorce was final in May and we had very little money, forcing us to move from our three-bedroom home in the country to a tiny two-bedroom apartment in town. Unfortunately, this tight budget also limited my Christmas list that year. Mom was working full-time at Target, but I didn't want to stress her out by asking for a bunch of things I knew she couldn't get me. I wanted to keep my wish list small. That's why, when I saw a picture in a women's magazine, I tore it out immediately and showed it to my mom. She gave me a firm "We'll see."

The picture was of the first edition Happy Holidays Barbie doll. She was stunning. I'd always been a Barbie Girl," but they were all packed away now, as I felt I'd outgrown them since I'd turned 14 in July. The kid in me came out, though. I just couldn't resist this doll. Her dress was a vibrant red and had layers of stiff, sparkly red tulle. Her blonde tresses were perfectly curled and she even had tiny little red high-heels to match her gown. She had a beautiful Christmas tree ornament and even her own matching display stand. I wanted this doll more than anything in the world! In fact, I didn't even ask for anything else. I folded the magazine picture carefully and carried it around in my purse for two months.

I knew Target would be getting a shipment sometime in November. I was so impatient, but Mom came home the day after Thanksgiving with a distraught look on her face. She said, "Honey, she just flew off the shelves. Target got six of them in and they were gone within minutes. They told me that's the only shipment we'll get. I'm sorry I couldn't get you one." She was nearly in tears as she apologized for not being able to get one. I was obviously disappointed, but I tried not to let it show, especially knowing how upset Mom was. I told her I understood and gave her an amended Christmas list. Afterward, I took the picture from my purse and threw it out. I didn't want any sour reminders.

We celebrated Christmas at my brother's house that year and we brought all the presents from home and opened them there. Mom was feeling a bit worn out and asked me if I could open up the present one of her coworkers had sent home for her. Her friend knew she'd had a rough year and wanted to make sure she had something to open on Christmas. I opened the package for Mom and handed her the pretty strawberry potholders that her friend had given her and then I noticed what was tucked beneath them...that familiar logo, those gorgeous blonde curls and that vibrant red tulle. 

 I still don't know how she did it and I never will, but Mom gave me the best present in the whole world that day: she showed me that there is indeed a Santa Claus.

Thank you, Mom.

Distance and Time

Carlene Cooper was your average teenager. Average, that is, except for her relationship with Josh McCarthy, a member of one of the hottest bands in the world, South Station Boyz. Young love blossomed at a chance meeting when Carly was a senior in high school and Josh was just discovering what stardom really meant. Despite their chemistry, however, it was no surprise to anyone when their very different lives took very different paths a few months down the road.

Years later, their stars align again and they must decide if the spark they felt back then is strong enough to rekindle. Josh has built a name for himself in show business, but Carly, too, has also established herself as a serious journalist in New York City. Will they be able to successfully merge their lives and overcome the obstacles that drove them apart a decade earlier?

Just as she comes to the decision that will determine her and Josh's future together, Detective Trey Foster enters her life unexpectedly and Carly is faced with another choice. Will she choose the man she's spent her whole life loving or will she push it aside for a chance at happiness out of the spotlight?

This? Is my baby.

This is the story I've been working on since last year that has had me cussing and crying and shouting at the wind. Its fate sits in the hand of a publisher right now. They could scrap it and say they're not interested or they could ask me for more chapters to see what they're dealing with. I should know in a few weeks and will keep you posted.

No middle ground for me.

It's no secret that I speak what's on my mind and deal with the consequences of those words later. The other day I got into some hot water for having spoken my mind on Facebook. Long story short, people stuck their noses in where they didn't belong and my husband got dragged into it. (Believe me, you don't want to know.)

I sat there after all this happened in tears, dreading going into work. Hubs was home and we were talking about it. I told him that I hated that I didn't know how not to vent about things that make me mad or frustrate me. It's so natural for me to just spout off whatever's on my mind. I wear my heart on my sleeve and open myself up to shit like this regularly. I don't hold back. And it gets me into trouble. I told him, "I wish I could be like you: have a blow-up and four minutes later, be sleeping soundly with all of it blocked out."

That's when he pointed out something I hope I never forget: With blocking out the stress comes blocking out the passion.

I just sat there and looked at him as I let it all sink in. He continued, "When I shut out the stress and the emotion and the anger, I also shut out the smiles and the laughter and the happy. Just like you wish you could be like me, I wish I could be like you. You feel EVERYTHING...as big as possible. You laugh for hours. You smile constantly. You're in a constant state of high emotion, whether you're happy or pissed. You don't know how to do middle ground and I love that about you. Me? I feel nothing most days. I don't get pissed or angry, but that means I also don't laugh a lot. I don't smile all that often. I keep everything pretty middle-of-the-road because I don't know how not to."

He made me realize that I never want to be like that. So if it means I have to apologize for my words, wrap my hand because I've punched a wall or pick up the shards of whatever I've broken, I'll do it. Because I wouldn't give up this laughter, these smiles and this happiness for anything in the world. 

The pissed will pass.

The laughter? Never.

#tweetyour16yearoldself: The Blog

Inspired by a recently trending topic, I decided instead of spamming my followers with all the advice I had for my teenage self, I would blog about it. Some advice is funny. Some not-so-much. All of it's the truth.

1. You. Are. Not. Fat.
2. See that crazy Asian girl sitting over there by the fireplace all by herself? She needs you. And you need her. It will always be that way.
3. Your obsession with these five guys from Boston will never end.
4. But that's okay because twenty years from now, you're not only going to have met them, but they're going to know you by name and face.
5. Don't spend so much time trying to be grown up. You had to. I get it. But now? The pressure's off. Enjoy being young so you don't spend the rest of your life trying to be sixteen again.
6. Don't waste your time trying to fit in with the cool kids. Be who you are and they'll flock to you.
7. Stop being so self-conscious.
8. Those hickies make you look like a slut. Stop it.
9. Start deciding what you want to do now because that whole wife/mom thing isn't all it's cracked up to be some days. You'll want to have something to fall back on when it falls apart.
10. You're going to be given an ultimatum to stay a cheerleader or go to a YABE weekend. Go with your gut. You'll *never* regret that decision.
11. I repeat, you are NOT fat.
12. Don't be so hard on your brother and sister-in-law. This is a HUGE adjustment for them, too. Cut them a little slack and stop acting like a spoiled brat.
13. Yes, Mom is proud of you.
14. Call Dad more often and stay close. There's going to come a time when you wish you had.
15. You're going to marry the wrong man, but that's okay because he's going to give you two beautiful children.
16. You have plenty of time to settle down and have a family. Don't rush it. Take your time, explore your options. Open up your life to opportunities farther away than this one little state. Try Boston College, NYU or Northwestern. You're smart enough to get into any of those three schools.
17. You've got a great voice. Sing and be heard.
18. That Asian girl? Call her more often and don't let her slip away. Remember what I said about her needing you.
19. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to say "Why Me?" Say it. Feel it. Be it. Then get over it. You are not a victim. You're a survivor.
20. Write more.
21. Use birth control. Always. It not only can happen to you. It will happen to you.
22. There's something coming along in about five years called "The Internet." It's going to both ruin your life and save your life. It will bring people into your circle you never thought possible. Some will be there to build you up. Some to break you down. Embrace them all with open arms (just be sure to listen to your gut on that whole breaking-you-down thing. The signs will be there).
23. You will drift away from your siblings over the next twenty years. It's okay. They will be replaced by "brothers" and "sisters" that love you more than you realize. I can't explain it. Just go with it.
24. Stay away from the Sun-In and the hair bleach. Blonde is not your color.
25. That pimple-faced kid is sweet, but he's not the one. 
26. And for God's sake, don't sleep with him.
27. Pay more attention in English and take some lit classes. 
28. Congratulations on just saying no to drugs.
29. Ask your sister-in-law to teach you how to manage your money.
30. How many times do I have to say it? You are not fat.

I can do anything!

I can do anything.

Barbie told me so.

I am, was and always will be a Barbie Girl. I received my first doll when I was 3 and bought my last one just a few years ago. I owned almost every doll that Mattel put out in the 80's. I had the houses, the cars, the pools, the outfits, the shoes (Lord, the shoes!)...you name it, I had it.

Over the years, Mattel has changed Barbie's body mold to personify a more realistic looking "person" for girls to identify with, but the truth (for me, at least) is that I didn't love Barbie because she had great clothes and a 18" waist. I loved Barbie because she was exactly who I wanted to be: A movie star, Homecoming Queen, a rockstar, a bride, a mom, a doctor, a police officer, a roller skating queen, a Playboy centerfold, a vet, a dancer, an astronaut...and a thousand other things my childhood imagination concocted. Barbie was anything I wanted her to be.

Was she beautiful? Of course, but her beauty wasn't what drew me to her. It was the dreams and imagination she inspired in me.

I may be too old to play with dolls now, but Barbie still inspires me and I still believe I can do anything.

NYC 2010: Unforgettable

I've wrestled over the last few days with writing this blog about my recent trip to New York City. There were so many incredible things that happened to me and I want to share them all, but in all honesty, some things just can't be put into words. Even for me.

This trip was something I never thought I'd be able to do in the first place, so the fact that I was able to go was a miracle in itself. When you combine that with the people I met and the things I got to do, it's almost as if I'm still waiting to open my eyes and it all to have been a dream.

But there they are: the pictures of those I met, online video clips from the talk show I visited three days in a row, receipts and business cards from places I visited. And the memories.

The most amazing parts of this trip wouldn't have been possible if it hadn't been for my friend Sherri, who not only provided me with a place to stay but also shared her life and family with me for three days. She let me tag along with her to work (despite my gasps and "Shut UP!"'s when she would introduce me to yet another celebrity I'd long-admired). She joined me and my friends for lunch more than once. She opened her heart and her home to me, allowing me to see a side of herself not many get to see. I will always cherish that trust. And for that reason, I will not be going into many details about the how's and what's of everything I experienced, but I can share some of the less-private moments.

Suffice it to say, I met some amazing people and was afforded some pretty spectacular once-in-a-lifetime Views (no pun intended). For those wondering,  the ladies of the View (Sherri Shepherd, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg and Barbara Walters) are exactly what you see on camera - they're funny and witty and personable and kind. They each took time from their busy schedules to pose for photographs and chit-chat with me a bit. The staff at the View is also one-of-a-kind. So many nice people!! Maria Shriver, Rod Stewart and Patricia Heaton were all VERY sweet people. All three were willing to take pictures with us and I even chatted with Maria for a few minutes in the elevator on the way up to the studio. While I saw Tyler Perry, Isaac Mizrahi, Stephen Colbert, Arianna Huffington and Janet Napolitano from a distance, I didn't get a chance to talk to any of them (except for an "Excuse me, I'm so sorry" from Isaac when he ran into me in the Green Room).

The most ironic thing about this trip is that while it started out as a NKOTB/Joe McIntyre thing, it ended up as so much less than that. In fact, Joe's show was such a minute part of the trip, it's easy to forget that I actually went (and had a good time). I think I needed this trip to put things into better perspective for myself. I didn't hang out outside Joe's Pub for hours, I didn't stalk Donnie on the set of Blue Bloods. I didn't hang around after the show or try to find where Joe and Eman were staying. The whole lack of NK frenzy gave this trip that much more of an incredible and unique feel to it. It was nice to just attend something for them rather than make it my entire obsession. Very pleasant change of pace.

While Roxy, Sherri and I were on our way to Times Square to meet Clarita for lunch, Donnie tweeted "Today... Remember what's truly important! Material things? Superficial stuff? No! THE MOMENTS MATTER! Life your life & cherish every second!"  Talk about ironic! The three of us had just discussed how much the memory means as opposed to autographs and gifts. I brought home only one souvenir from my trip. The moments, though? They will live on in my memory and my heart for years and years to come. Nobody can take them away from me.

They were unforgettable.

(a bracelet Sherri gave me from Maria Shriver)

Thank you, Sherri for one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I love you so much for your gift of friendship and for sharing your life with me. 

Love deeply and without restraint

I sat today in a funeral home in southern Iowa at the memorial service for my friend Teri Fenton. She left behind four kids, five step-kids, nine grandchildren and her husband, also named Terry, who sits home alone tonight a broken man.

We're friends with numerous couples. Some we've known for decades, others a small time frame. We've known those who are in it for the long haul and those who quit after just a few years. Then there are couples like the Fentons who are each one half of the other person. They had their own interests, of course - all couples do, but to see them together, there was no doubt how in love they were.

To see Terry hunched over sobbing, his grief overwhelming him, broke my heart. I leaned my head against my husband's shoulder and squeezed his hand a little tighter as we sat through the rest of the service. I know I complain about him a lot, but tonight? I'm so grateful he's here and that he loves me...that he completes me.

All Terry has left of his wife tonight are her charred wedding rings, which he wears on a chain around his neck. For him...for all of those who've lost their other half...hugs yours a little tighter tonight.

 RIP Teri

In my next 30 years...

My friend Jessica just wrote a blog detailing her Bucket List and it inspired me to revisit mine. I've always been a dreamer, of course, but when I hit 30, I decided to evaluate where I was in my life and where I wanted to be. During that self-analysis, I did a scrapbook layout that included my Bucket List. 

The list included (though wasn't limited to):

• Parasailing
  
• Have a [scrapbook] layout published in a magazine or book
  
• Spend New Year's Eve in Times Square
  
• Go white river rafting
  
• Cuddle with a koala in Australia
  
• Swim with dolphins
  
• See a show on Broadway
  
• Have furniture that isn't second-hand
  
• Travel through Europe
  
• Take my kids to Disney World
  
• Visit the ghosts at Myrtle Plantation
  
• Spend a week with [hubby] in Hawaii
  
• Own my own home 5/1/05
  
• Go camping in Yellowstone
  
• Hike & camp in the Colorado Rockies
  
• Gamble in a real Las Vegas Casino
  
• Do the touristy thing in DC and NYC 5/8/09
  
• Live long enough to see my children grown and married
  
• Go stormchasing and see a tornado up close 11/06
  
• Spend a weekend holed up in a cabin in the wilderness
  
• Go on a cruise to Alaska
  
• Live on a farm - complete with animals and a garden
  
• Learn how to can veggies like tomatoes and pickles
  
• Learn how to ski or ice skate
  
• Tour Civil War battlefields and plantations in the South
  
• Own my own scrapbook store
  
• Write a book and have it published
  
• Have my portrait painted
  
• Be in a financially secure place to where all bills are paid ahead of time & there's money left in the bank
  

One might think this list is a long, but I don't. I think it's perfectly attainable...that is, if I still wanted to do those things. I don't. I couldn't care less about gambling in Vegas, any of the scrapbooking stuff or living on a farm. I'd happily give up the Alaska part of the cruise dream (and if I did, then that dream was accomplished in May 2011 when I cruised to the Bahamas). The koalas can go, too.

If I wrote a list now, it would include some very different things...things I left off the original list (but have since come true) and things I didn't even know I wanted until the opportunity arose. Things like:

• Love more
  
• Bitch less
  
• Repair relationships worth saving and eliminate those that aren't
  
• Rekindle old friendships
  
• Don't be afraid to be honest with people - as Dr. Seuss says, “Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”
  
• Realize beauty isn't in the physical things
  
• Take better care of my body
  

These are the "fluffy" ones, as I call them (all of which I've accomplished, by the way) - the ones that are just good points to live by. As for actual tangible things:

• Get back to my high school weight (Yes, this is totally attainable.)
  
• Meet New Kids on the Block 4/6/09 (Donnie & Joe), 5/8/09 (Donnie, Jordan, Joe & Danny), 7/14/09 (Jon), 7/15/09, 5/12/11 (all of them)
  
• Redecorate my bedroom without the help of an interior designer
  
• Visit Los Angeles
  
• See the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in person
  
• Be an extra in a movie or a television show
  
• Put my feet in the water of both the Atlantic & Pacific oceans Atlantic 10/2/95, Pacific 5/22/10
  
• Live in NYC for a year
  
• See a Celtics basketball game in person (courtside seats next to Donnie Wahlberg would be a bonus) 4/1/12
  
• Have one of my photographs displayed publicly 8/11/11
  

The thing about a bucket list is this: for as many of my dreams that I acknowledge and recognize and strive to achieve, there are hundreds that lurk beneath the surface that I didn't even know I wanted until they happened.  Things like becoming friends with Sherri Shepherd, having Jon Knight seek me out during a concert, traveling to NYC on the spur of the moment (twice), an opportunity to travel over 6,000 miles in a year to see NKOTB perform. Every day is filled with surprises and encounters I never dreamed of.

So I guess if I don't accomplish everything on my bucket list, it's okay because I've been so blessed in so many other areas of my life. My cup runneth over.

Speechless

I'm rarely without words, but in nine years, I've barely been able to write more than a few paragraphs of distant emotions regarding 9/11. I wasn't in New York City that day. In fact, I just visited the city for the first time in May 2009. Like many tourists, I went to Ground Zero. I started out with the intention of doing a round trip ride on the Staten Island ferry first, then walking slowly up to the WTC when I returned to lower Manhattan. It would allow me time to mentally prepare myself for what I thought I would see when I got to Ground Zero.

What I wasn't prepared for stood battered and broken in Battery Park.

 

Standing guard in the harbor was Lady Liberty, but she was as silent as I was as I looked at the only tangible piece I'll see of that terrible day. I was with a new friend I'd met that day, so I wasn't entirely alone as I read the placard and looked reverently at The Sphere. My emotions came out of nowhere and hit me like a sledgehammer to the heart. For as uncomfortable as my friend must've felt, I could tell she felt very much the same. I couldn't catch my breath and I remember just standing there silently with tears rolling down my face and an emptiness in my heart that I've never felt before or since. I didn't know anyone who died on September 11th, yet I knew a very large part of all of us did. And we would never heal completely from the loss.

As we walked to Ground Zero together, we talked quietly about how that day affected us personally - where we were, what we saw, how we felt. It was amazing to me how very different our lives were and how the disaster touched us, yet how it brought us together on that day as we stood at the fences staring at a construction site where two of the tallest buildings in the world had once stood.

A vacant ache began in my chest and quickly consumed what was left of my composure. I crumpled in tears just yards outside fire company 10 next to Ground Zero. I read the names on the wall of the firefighters and other civil servants who lost their lives that day. I wanted to offer some sort of thanks to those at Co. 10 who lost comrades, but couldn't even catch my breath, much less speak.

While I'd felt an empty ache before my trip to New York, standing there amidst the chaos still at the site, I felt something I can't even put words to. For me? That's big. 

To those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001, I honor you. You will never be forgotten.

9/11 revisited

written September 11, 2001

I was not there. I did not die.

I did not feel the tremors of concrete exploding above me in this morning's business meeting on the 56th story. The soles of my shoes did not melt to the floor as it was licked by the flames on the level beneath me. Jet fuel vapors did not saturate my nostrils when I gasped for clean air in my smoke-filled office. My clothes were not torn or ripped off my body when glass and debris pierced the safety of the stairwell. Rescuers will not scrape my splattered body off the sidewalk because I leaped to my death from a window a quarter of a mile in the sky. You did not see me fleeing in panic from the cloud of ash chasing me like a mugger through the streets of New York City. I did not yank every door handle looking for that one unlocked car to serve as refuge from the criminal grabbing at my sleeve. The gritty taste of soot did not stain my tongue in the snowy blizzard of ash that bleached my skin, hair and clothes.

I did not mutter the 23rd Psalm just in time for the nose of my plane to kiss the steel walls of a skyscraper. My throat was not slit with a box cutter by the man who held my fate. My cell phone wasn't dialed in the last minutes of my life as I hid in a tiny box of a restroom. I did not describe to my husband the terror I was encountering just seconds before my exit from this world.

Instead, I was here. I lived.

I gaped at the radio in disbelief when Tim McGraw was interrupted with a late breaking news story of a plane crashing into the World Trade Center. I surfed the radio stations searching for more information on this catastrophic event. When a journalist's voice was replaced again with song, I would punch the "seek" button on my Alpine until another somber voice was heard. I contemplated turning my car around and returning to the sanctuary of my home. Algebra just didn't seem quite that important anymore. Math won out as I parked my car on campus. The repeated stories echoed through the empty hallways from radios turned on a bit louder than usual. A television in the student lounge boomed ominously to an astounded audience of students, most barely old enough to recall the Oklahoma City bombing with any accuracy. Many had never seen disaster of this magnitude. For that matter, none of us have.

I don't remember sitting through Prof. Jensen's examples on the board today and I still don't understand #20 on the worksheet she assigned. I can't even tell you how I got home this afternoon. Somehow, I managed to pick up my kids and meet my husband at the door with a sigh of relief. The television became our Midwest connection to the horror on the eastern seaboard. We watched in grotesque interest when CNN rolled footage of limp bodies plunging to the ground in some twisted form of suicide. I didn't blink until the video was shown a third time as the plane suddenly appeared in the right of the screen, veered suddenly and exploded through the 83rd floor of the second tower. It wasn't until the whispered words became harmonized verses as this country's congressmen sang "God Bless America" that I finally felt emancipated enough to cry.

My six year-old asked me to show him on the globe where the "bad man crashed his plane." I did. I also showed him where we live. I repeated in "kid terms" what happened and whom they think did it. I attempted to explain why the person is mad. My son, a young man who at times carries the weight of the world on his shoulders said to me, "Mama? I don't want there to be a fire. I don't want to die." His body will not be laid to rest with the thousands who perished in this disaster. But there is a small part of him that will be buried. A small part of all of us will be.

Music of patriotic mourning steals the silence of my quiet home as it nears 3am here in the Heartland. Still a bit shell-shocked, I sit in this chair typing sporadically as ideas pierce the numbness of my mind. With tearstained cheeks, a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach that cannot be loosened I pray yet again. I beg God for some whisper of understanding or a sheet of peace to envelop me so that I may at last sleep tonight.

Today, someone took a proverbial bite of the Big Apple, but I was not there.

I did not die.

(written September 2001)

How to get divorced

Having been through a divorce myself, being a victim of my parents' divorce and seeing my children deal with the second divorce of their father, I feel there are some things that need to be said. This is for anyone who's been through a divorce, is going through one or will go through one. It's also not bad advice if you apply it to a troubled marriage.

1) Do NOT put your child in the middle of your battle with your soon-to-be-ex (STBE). Whether they're infants or teenagers, they have enough weight on their own shoulders and they're dealing with enough of their own grief over your separation without having to carry the weight of your anger, grief and frustration. And when they need to talk, you have to be willing to put your own personal feelings about your STBE aside so you can listen to their worries without influencing them one way or another. Diplomacy is vital when dealing with your child during a separation or divorce.

2) If your spouse says it's over and they refuse to take steps to repair their relationship with you, then accept that it's OVER. Don't berate them. Don't harass them. Don't take out your anger on them. Don't stalk them. Don't criticize them. Don't question their motives. Just accept it and move on. The above behavior does nothing for either party when it comes to moving on. This rule also applies to your STBE's friends and family.

3) While you don't have to like your STBE, you do need to remember that everything you do and say is being watched by others. People you never expected to turn on you, will choose sides. Sometimes, that side won't be yours. Some people you thought were your friends will be all-too-happy to report back to your STBE about the shenanigans you're pulling and the lies you're spewing.

4) If your attorney tells you to do something or not do something, listen to them. They know the law better than you do and not only could you end up without an attorney, you could end up in jail for breaking the law. That's not going to end well for anyone involved, especially your child. Also, if you have an attorney, let them deal with conflict between you and your STBE. That's why they're there. If your ex is doing something that you don't think they should be doing, let your attorney deal with the confrontation. If you don't have an attorney, then call theirs.

5) With divorce comes anger and hostility. I get that. Believe me...I've been there. Instead of focusing that hatred on your STBE, focus it elsewhere, such as yourself or your kids. Find a hobby to keep your mind off the situation. Spend more time with friends and family. Surround yourself with people who can help you use your negative energy in a positive way. Coach a little league team. Get in touch with old friends. Travel. Go to church. Get involved in the community. Read. Listen to music. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. If you find yourself unable to move past your hostility and anger, get counseling. Let's be honest, it's not a bad idea to do anyway. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They're going to need you at your best now more than ever. Don't give them less than 100% of your best. 

6) This is an emotional time. Cry. Get mad. Curse. Throw stuff. Join a kickboxing class. Scream at the top of your lungs. Growl. Vent. Get your emotions out, then LET THEM GO. Don't pick them back up when you're done venting. Leave them alone. That's the point of doing those things...so you don't have those emotions anymore.

7) Document everything involving your STBE. Everything. Every phone call, every visit, every email, every text message, every face-to-face conversation. You may never need the information, but if you do, it's nice to have. Where kids are concerned, write down every ball game, school event, doctors appointment, visitation schedule, birthday party...anything that involves your children, whether it involves the other parent or not. Inform your STBE of those events. Even if you think they can't attend, they need to be made aware. And, in kind, every time the other parent misses or is late for an event, appointment or visitation, write that down, too. I have been divorced for eleven years and I still do this despite the fact that I haven't had to use my records in over four years.

8) While we're on the subject of co-parenting, keep in mind, it is NOT your STBE's responsibility to make you aware of events in your child's life. There are school calendars and sports schedules for a reason. Check them. Check them often. If you're able to maintain open communication (without hostility) with your STBE, then you may ask them to keep you informed of appointments, etc, but don't expect them to. Be proactive about it. It will not only make you aware of what's going on in your child's life, but your child will pick up on the fact that you care enough about them to be involved.

9) Remember that just because you're not married to your child's other parent any longer, you are still a parent. You will have to be present in your child's life for many years to come and if you're hostile toward their other parent, they will pick up on that and end up resenting you as a result. You don't have to like your STBE, but you do have to be nice to them. It's tough, but it can be done. Trust me.

10) Rely on your friends during this time. They, no doubt will have opinions about the situation, but make sure they understand that you need to depend on them for strength. They should also be aware of the things said here. They can detest your STBE all they want, but when around your children, they need to keep those emotions in check. It's also important that you not try to influence your child's relationship with your STBE's friends and family. Your child needs an emotional support system now more than ever and when you bad-mouth those people, your child feels like they've lost even more relationships.

11) Remember that children can be manipulative. I made an agreement with my ex-husband eleven years ago: "I will believe half of what the kids tell me goes on at your house if you believe half of what they tell you goes on here." It's worked for us. If there have ever been question as to something that's happened, we've agreed to discuss it like adults rather than take our children's word for it. Kids will also tell you what they think you want to hear. If you hate their father, then they will talk trash about him to you. Vice versa. If you present a united parental front to your kids, they will realize that you are still their parents, despite being divorced. They need that stability. Give it to them.

12) Stop hanging onto the roles you have had thus far. You are no longer that person. Whether you agree with the reasons your STBE wants a divorce or not, you no longer have a say in what goes on in their life. You are not in control of this situation, anymore. Walk away with your dignity and whether you like the situation or not, it is what it is. Accept it gracefully and MOVE ON.

This list is in no way all inclusive, but should be a good start beyond common sense that should already be in place. A divorce doesn't have to be messy. That is entirely up to you.