Losses and gains

Wow! It's really been three years since I posted anything? That seems real and not real at the same time. A lot has happened since I posted my New Year's Intentions in 2023. Boy, has a lot happened. 

2025 in summary was a good year, overall, political climate aside. Despite losses, I gained a lot more.

I lost my best friend. Well, she isn't lost. I mean, I know where she is. She just isn't in my life anymore. I lost her, but I gained perspective. I'm still sorting out the grief. It's not easy for me to see or hear the word "bestie" and not feel bitter about how things went. That pain is still very real, and it still hurts. I imagine when a relationship of 34 years breaks apart, that stuff lasts a while, especially when you've been ghosted without much explanation. I took to my usual "lock down the gates" approach to pain, but it didn't help. I still cried, and I still felt angry. But I've learned in all this, that anger is a healthy emotion. It's not a state I live in, but I can pass through town from time to time, and that's okay. I believe some day I will feel okay again. That time just isn't right now.

What else? Oh yeah, the most obvious: 

I lost some weight, I gained some weight. Lost weight. Gained weight. Lost weight. Lost a lot of weight. Lost even more weight. Then when I thought I was done, I lost some more weight. I went from 262 in January 2025 to 155 in December 2025. I lost 8 sizes, close to 9. Which meant I lost an entire wardrobe. I gained a new one, but within months, I lost that one, too. I am finally within 10lbs of my second goal. I lost a whole person, but boy did I gain a lot in return. My NSV (non-scale victories) are endless. I went off my medications for diabetes and high blood pressure - because I didn't have those diseases anymore. My ankles don't swell when I put salt on my food. I have a thigh gap. My go-to bathing suit is a bikini. What?! I can see my collarbone (and my hips, and my spine, and my tail bone, lol). I wear a size 6 in most things, but I have a few tight size 4s and some baggy size 8s. Women's sizing is so stupid, anyway. I've gone down half a shoe size and two full ring sizes. At some point, I will lose my sagging skin, but for now, it keeps me humble. The biggest thing I've gained in all of this loss is my confidence. I had no idea what it felt like to love yourself. Like, truly love yourself. I walk with my head looking forward instead of down. I dress better, I carry myself differently, and damn, I like what I see in the mirror for once in my life.

I lost my job that I loved. I had friends at work and made more while I was there. It was a good job and I enjoyed what I did, and the company I worked at. You know how they say nothing ever happens "out of the blue"? That something always builds to that situation? Nothing was built. I wasn't reprimanded or written up. I was fired. Boom. Out of the blue. I was devastated. There was no explanation (See a pattern here?) or communication. The assignment just ended. That loss stung a lot because I know I did my job well. All I could do was look forward. So I did. I applied for jobs and had a few interviews. I even discovered a new stamping & scrapbook store along the way, so that was cool. Then finally, the fog lifted and I found my forever job. It's an administrative job for me, per usual, but it's so much more than that. What the company does matters in people's lives, and the employees take great pride in that. I love what I do, and I love who I work with. I belong here. 

So, lots of losses and gains, but I will take every one of them - it has led me to be who I am today, and I kinda like me.