As you know, I've been battling depression and anxiety since I was a young child. The first anxiety attack I can remember was when I was four. It peaked when I was in 5th grade and missed nine entire weeks of school - not all at once, but a day here, a couple days there. Forty-five days! I don't know how DHS wasn't called on my mom for allowing it to happen. Depression hit me in my teens and stuck around until my mid-twenties. It came and went over the last 15 years, but in recent years, it's been almost unbearable. I stopped seeing my therapist over six years ago because we both felt I was doing okay enough with my progress to do so. I've maintained my medicine regimen and have stayed pretty consistent in doing self-care. The Lyme has messed with me at times and I have forgotten meds a few times, but overall, I've done pretty well.
Unfortunately, as many may know, the body can sometimes stop responding to medication as it once did, or changes can happen in a person's dynamic to really throw things off or stretch the boundaries designed to keep control. And that's where I find myself: outside the lines.
I am not doing well.
I'm in the middle of the ocean. And my head is above water; I'm not drowning. I've swallowed a little water, but overall, I'm still swimming. Except I'm not. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just treading water. And normally, that's not all bad. Except I've been treading water for a LONG damn time. My body is tired and I'm not moving in any direction at all. I'm a buoy. I think part of me could pull the energy together to swim toward shore, except I don't see it anymore. I don't see land anywhere. So I'm stuck where I am. And I know I can't continue treading water forever. Who would even want to? I have to get out of the water. I just have to find the shore.
So, I'm swimming that way. I'm slow and waterlogged, but at some point soon, I will find dry land. I have an appointment in a couple of days with a therapist. And I'm sure a med change is in the cards, too, which I'm not looking forward to, but I have to get better.
Please, if you're treading water too - reach out. Talk to family and friends. Talk to a doctor, a therapist, a counselor, a teacher, a preacher, whomever. Get help. It's out there, I promise. You do NOT need to be ready to kill yourself to reach out to someone or to contact a crisis center.
Crisis hotline: (US) 800-273-8255 (Canada) 833-456-4566
If you have anxiety and can't work up the courage to speak to someone, there's also help available via text message. I've used the service and they're very helpful.
In the US, text "Home" to 741741.
In Canada, text "Home" to 686868.
